...It was one of those days. Good, long, but fine until it turned down a yucky road and then decided that while it was at it, it would fly south for the winter and leave me with a sour taste in my mouth from unresolved unresolvables and other such nuisances.
I don't know why I have to panic so much about the longevity of my relationship. He is wonderful. More, actually. If I could take an hour and talk about all the beautiful things he does for me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally each of you readers would sit there with tears streaming down your face feeling jealous because I have found the Knightly of all Mr. Knightly's. The Darcy of every Darcy. And every woman's ideal wrapped up in my own personal relationship that is catored and designed especially for me. Actually, its better than that because it is real. He is real.
(And we are flawed. I think that is what makes it. Love is so much sweeter when you get to forgive. I guess that is why the Savior has such a good deal in loving us unconditionally. He gets to enjoy the sweetness of forgiveness, the healing that comes with forgetting, and the total confidence and support that comes with being adored because of enacted mercy.)
He cradles me when I am sad. Communicates with me when I am feeling things even I don't understand entirely. And understands when I am too confusing for words so with his own teary eyes, reaches out to me begging me to know he loves me. He fills every need--
every need-- and that means even the unspoken ones. He makes Superman look ridiculous because HE couldn't maintain a stable relationship.
And TODAY, actually, no. The last couple of days I have struggled trying to dig up vaild reasons for him to get cold feet and abandon me. I think it is stemming from my father issues. Even when he wanted to stay, he had to leave. I find it difficult to believe that someone as perfect for me who loves me as much as anyone ever has, could possibly get to stay with me forever.
Ogres aren't the only things with layers. Trust also comes in layers. Each change, each growth, every slight variant in a relationship requires added trust. I had to trust him to call me when I chased him to the point of looking completely desperate. Trust him to want to pay for me when I financially couldn't help him in even the smallest way. Trust him to want to love me even when I made it impossible. Trust him to want to hold me while I cried irrationally and not want to run for the hills every time I made a big deal out of nothing. And now, the trust I have to give him is that he won't tell me today that he loves me forever and leave me tomorrow with all the empty promises of yesterday.
He won't.
But that doesn't make it any less scary.
Why is it that when you find the someone you want to spend the rest of your forever with, that you still find yourself having to reach into the deepest reaches of your ever-loving-each-time-casted-off-never-wanting-to-love-another-jaded-cynical-and-strangely-and-eternally-STILL looking-for-The-One beat up heart to trust him? Trust him and give him the credit that he rightfully earns and always deserves?
Because of Satan that's why.
Raise your hand if you hate Satan.
I hate Satan.
I want this. I deserve this. I want
him. I deserve
him. And you know what? He wants and deserves me back. I find myself, and him on occasion, feeling so inadequate. The discussions we have over our feelings now isn't just about our plans for our future and the honeymooner euphoria of being in love and starting out together. It is about not feeling good enough.
I think that is when its right. I mean, among other things, that is an indicator that it not only will work, but you found a perfect match. This not feeling good enough and always trying to do more mentality is good, in moderation. But it is also the key that Satan uses to try to get you to bail.
I thought it would be more along the lines of Satan trying me to commit sin or treat my significant other lousy. Instead it is making him feel lousy by
you not ever feeling good enough which then feeds into his insecurity of not being good enough and then starts the vicious cycle of both being caught up in not being good enough for the other.
So that is what I was feeling and thinking about tonight as I drove to my Mr. Knightly's house to pick him up for his ultimate game. And then when he lost and was already tired from a long day at work, Satan struck. I panicked and I forced us, for the second night in a row, into another long and unnecessary talk about how much we love each other and trying to explain to the other that we aren't going anywhere. Not only that, but we are stinking around and we are going to like it too. Without even trying, we are going to like it.
Why is kindness and true love such a tough cookie to swallow sometimes?
Sigh.
And now the moral:
Swallow.
Its for real. God really does want to bless you regardless of your list of crap things you've done to not deserve it. Not only that, but there is this incredible person out there who loves you in the same way. A reflection of the relationship you have with God.
I guess the moral is preventive. I am trying to prevent anyone from saying the really foolish thing that people often say about two healthy people in relationships, marriages, or whatever it is that this happens to apply to. "I'm ready to accept that you love someone, but I do not accept that you love me." That is the one thing we must not say. It says that you are unwilling to admit faults and too proud to be forgiven. It says that you are too into self pity to allow anyone else the opportunity of loving in spite of faults. A man who was merely a man that loved you as a hypothesis and never in theory would be known as never truly loving anyone. Loving someone, or not loving someone, has its own way of showing itself. He would either be what you feared--a faker or a liar--or either this man was, and is, the love of your life and genuinely adores you the way he says. It is your choice. You can shut him up as a fool, you can doubt him, and claim that he can't possibly love someone like you. Or, you can trust him, accept it, and love him back.
It goes back to that basic belief I have of learning to be okay with who you are and what you do. Not in a proud way, but in a way that allows you to accept love and kindness even when you behave badly. Actually, its about accepting love
because you behave badly.
The thing is...you'll know. You'll know because God will tell you. And it is your job to live in such a way that you can hear his answer.
